Yesterday following a great Bible study with a bunch of super guys, I was fortunate to have breakfast with a lady friend I love and admire. I arrived first, got a table and made a couple phone calls insuring we would not be interrupted by the nagging noise of my phone going off. She arrived and joined me and almost immediately we began excitedly sharing what God was doing in our lives. The waitress came by a couple times and reluctantly, we had to stop our chatting and pick a tasty breakfast from the menu lest we turn into annoying, thoughtless customers.
We orded and continued sharing. Somehow I stumbled onto part of what I shared last week about my meeting with a pastor friend and how he picked up on my difficulty in loving myself. She was not surprised by that confession and said that she could see that in me and that at times in the past she felt I was too hard on myself and even unforgiving. We know each other very well, yet I was stunned that my shortcoming in this area was so obvious. She lovingly continued as we went through a variety of reasons and situations that may have initiated the problem.
One particular thing made a great deal of sense. I remember when I was young and was in possession of my third grade report card. I thought I was right up there with the rest of my classmates but there was a line in the comments area of my report card that shocked me. Please understand that my report card was all A's and B's as usual, except for the comment. It read something like, "Richard is doing well but can do much better if he would just try". A's and B's were okay, but I can do better? I am not trying? A's and B's were not good enough? I was graded on what I HAD done, but was commented on about what I COULD do. That last line could take me in several directions but I will keep it simple and on point. I honestly believe that one line was intended to encourage me and I also believe it was delivered with care. Reflecting backward, I realize I developed an attitude that whatever I did was not good enough and could be done better. It became a little voice in the subconscious part of my mind telling me I might be good, but not good enough.
I could try all I wanted but would never be good enough. I knew the deep secret that no matter what, I could always try harder. That little voice lay there quietly sabotaging my ability to fully love myself. There were times in the past that I had considered that report card but tossed any thoughts of how it impacted me aside.
I know that my teacher saw potential in me, I know she wanted me to be all I could be, I know she wanted the best for me but it impacted me in a way that pulled me down rather than lifting me up. In fact looking back, I did stop trying and never much cared about school all the way through high school. I cannot say that the comments on that report card caused me to feel that way, perhaps it was simply part of my makeup. I have to take responsibility for my reaction as for others such a comment may have encouraged them.
My friend and I continued on the subject of self love while we ate. You have to understand that she and I have a relationship that embraces accepting tough comments in love. She offered the thought that not loving myself was arrogant, self centered and selfish. Initially, my decaf tasted better than her words, but she was right. Knowing her heart, I listened on. She went on to express that God continually shows us and tells us how much He loves us. I considered how He hears us when we cry out, He forgives us when we confess and repent, He brings us help in times of trouble, He puts awesome people in our lives and protects and cares for us. Jesus loved us so much He sacrificed His life for us. She stopped and said, do you think you know more than God? If He tells you that you are lovable who do you think you are to disagree? Doesn't that speak out that you think more of your opinion than His, aren't you elevating yourself above God? I just realized how cold my blueberry pancakes had become ... waitress, check please!
Again, she was right.
If God loves me, who am I to not love me? If God forgives me, who am I to not forgive me? If God sees enough value in me for Jesus to die for me, who am I to find little value in me? When I started writing this, I mentioned that I had nothing on my mind to write about. I also mentioned that, "I trusted God would lead me to a topic to write on." Here is my point, If I weekly trust God for a subject to write on, I would appear quite foolish to not trust Him when He tells me I am loved, lovable and have value. Would I not be foolish to discard His love for me by not "truly" loving myself? I also have to admit to this, when my dear friend said those things to me, I realized it was not the first time I had been told that. The truth is that I must have rejected those comments the first time but hearing it a second time made me believe God wanted me to hear it loud and clear.
I want to take a moment to define my difficulty in seeing myself in such a way. I don't beat myself up, I don't walk around discouraged and depressed. In fact, most people would never notice my loving myself was not easy. Here is the thing, that little voice telling me I can always do better is subtle, quiet, and unnoticible. It lays there in silence blocking me from having a wonderful relationship with myself. I believe it also restricts what can be done through me. I think that God might be a little annoyed with me in that He is telling me I am good enough but I keep telling myself I can do better.
How would you feel if you kept showing and telling someone that you loved them and they kept saying that you didn't? Now let's imagine you are God in the same situation.
Here are my final two thoughts. When we lovingly encourage others, let's watch our words and explain how we feel. Perhaps with more explanation by my teacher, I would have taken the information and used it as encouragement rather than never feeling I tried my best. Let's be encouraging to our spouses, kids, family and friends in a way that they will understand our words are words filled with love. Let them know our words express the awesome potential we see in them and that we want the very best for them.
When I finished that previous sentence, I was reminded of my interaction with my daughter while she was on the swim team. She was swimming above her age group at times, was given the most improved swimmer award once and even had a coach that called for two years after she stopped swimming because he said she has natural talent and was very good. When she was competing, I ran along side the pool shouting at her to go, go go. I encouraged her to keep it up, to get better times and to give it all she had. In essence I was telling her to "try harder", I was telling her "she could do better". Most of us parents do similar things and in our children's accomplishments we can see in what way they took what we said. I know that what I said was taken much like I took my third grade report card because she quit swimming. I have no doubt she had the potential to earn a college scholarship and I know that the coach saw value in her but my words were not explained well and it had the reverse impact I intended.
Second, God loves you and me. He thinks we are lovable enough to send Jesus to die so that we can spend forever with Him. He thinks you and I are so awesome that He wants to be with us for all time. He thinks you and I are so valuable that He forgives us when we mess up.
Let me close with Romans 8 verse 31 - 39 from the translation called The Book.
What can we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since God did not even spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won't God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?
Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for His own? Will God? No! He is the one who has given us right standing with Himself. Who then will condemn us? Will Christ Jesus? No, for He is the one who died for us and was raised to life for us and is sitting at the place of highest honor next to God, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death? (Even the Scriptures say, "For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.") No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from His love. Death can't and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
When you read that are you like me understanding how worth loving God thinks we are? Can we all accept His love and love ourselves? Can we all know we are valuable, right now, right where we are, just as we are? Can we know that we are worth loving with mistakes, flaws, imperfections and sins? Can we start loving ourselves in a new way?
Can we hear, "Richard, you are doing great and I am impressed with what you are doing. I know you have so much talent and that you can do amazing things if you want to. I just want you to know I see great things in you and that you have the potential to do things you can't even imagine. I believe in you." No, I am not rewriting my third grade teacher's note, I am sharing how I think the Creator of the universe might write on my 62 year report card, AND YOURS!
God bless you so that you know you are valuable and loved.